A year ago, I was anxiously waiting for my dad to recover from a major surgery, a 10 hour surgery. I never imagined what would happen in the months to come. How does one endure a life changing operation, with promises of a long healthy life, only to falter time and time again. The promise of hope, was so short lived. The promise of a better tomorrow, or memories that would never be made..why? All the suffering and fighting, only to find there was no light at the end of the tunnel.
No matter how down we became, and how raw and beat up our emotions were, the hope within always shined until his dying breath. I look back and I can't fathom how I got through those days, but I did, and I continue to do so each and every day. It's not easy, but you do it. It seems unimaginable at times that he really isn't just on vacation somewhere. Will I never hear his voice? But I do her it, in my heart and in my prayers. I know he is with me, guiding me and loving me, and still instilling his strength in me.
The most surreal moment was the deafening silence. I got so used to hearing the endless beeps of the machines, and when it stopped the silence was unbearable. Put the damn machines back on, I felt like screaming. I needed to hear the beeps, the beeps meant that it wasn't real, he was still here, still fighting.
No matter what I saw, and experienced, I was not prepared to say goodbye. I felt cheated, I felt he was cheated, and my mom too...My only comfort is not that he isn't suffering anymore, hell he was a fighter like no other, but rather that he's with my beloved grandparents. I know they are with him now, looking after him.
I always used to say appreciate every day, and it couldn't be more true. Through the tears, I've found my smile again...
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Friday, July 24, 2015
I Think I've Misplaced Something....
Who says life is perfect? It isn't...it's complicated and messy at times. But I can honestly say mine has been pretty close to perfection (by my standards of course). Until this past year...complicated and messy took on a whole new meaning.
I guess one can't stay on the golden path forever, right? I've always been one to call my own shots, travel whenever I felt like it, and it suited me just fine. I've always been a fan of spontaneous and geeky things.
I've spent the last 13 years traveling and doing all kinds of crazy things, like camping in the middle of LA to attend a red carpet premiere. Who seriously does those things, yup - I do! But there comes a point when you've done all the crazy stuff, and you've lived out of suitcases for months on end, whether for work, pleasure or both, when your desires change. Does it happen to everyone, not likely. Did it happen to me, most definitely.
Before I could even have the chance to embark on this new journey, the missing link in my life, chaos struck! There is nothing worse then when a parent gets sick. You can't fix it, and there isn't some magical band aid that will heal them. You suck it up and deal with it. That's what I've been doing for the last 14 months. I believe that I'm pretty good at handling stress, and I've been able to master the art of keeping balance. Or so I thought. I've never been more out of balance. Somewhere, I've lost myself..I lost my smile. I want it back, very badly...I'm just not sure how.
I traded in my frequent flyer miles for frequent trips to the hospital, endless doctor appointments and ER visits, and weeks upon endless weeks in ICU. By all means, this is not a complaint letter, because I still have my dad, and I'm grateful. This is about me trying to find myself again. It becomes consuming, borderline obsessive. By the time I make it home from a full day of work and hospital, I'm exhausted. What little time I do have, all I want to do is sleep.
I know that I should be making time for myself and my friends, and social activities, but I don't. How did I go from being a balancing rock star, to balancing dummy?
I started this blog as a means to filter my thoughts to paper. If there are any of you going through something similar, I'd love to hear from you.
I guess one can't stay on the golden path forever, right? I've always been one to call my own shots, travel whenever I felt like it, and it suited me just fine. I've always been a fan of spontaneous and geeky things.
I've spent the last 13 years traveling and doing all kinds of crazy things, like camping in the middle of LA to attend a red carpet premiere. Who seriously does those things, yup - I do! But there comes a point when you've done all the crazy stuff, and you've lived out of suitcases for months on end, whether for work, pleasure or both, when your desires change. Does it happen to everyone, not likely. Did it happen to me, most definitely.
Before I could even have the chance to embark on this new journey, the missing link in my life, chaos struck! There is nothing worse then when a parent gets sick. You can't fix it, and there isn't some magical band aid that will heal them. You suck it up and deal with it. That's what I've been doing for the last 14 months. I believe that I'm pretty good at handling stress, and I've been able to master the art of keeping balance. Or so I thought. I've never been more out of balance. Somewhere, I've lost myself..I lost my smile. I want it back, very badly...I'm just not sure how.
I traded in my frequent flyer miles for frequent trips to the hospital, endless doctor appointments and ER visits, and weeks upon endless weeks in ICU. By all means, this is not a complaint letter, because I still have my dad, and I'm grateful. This is about me trying to find myself again. It becomes consuming, borderline obsessive. By the time I make it home from a full day of work and hospital, I'm exhausted. What little time I do have, all I want to do is sleep.
I know that I should be making time for myself and my friends, and social activities, but I don't. How did I go from being a balancing rock star, to balancing dummy?
I started this blog as a means to filter my thoughts to paper. If there are any of you going through something similar, I'd love to hear from you.
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